Afternoon Crashers!

On my recent flight home from my holiday in Spain after having all my belongings stolen from me by a total douche, I sat in my budget seat being kicked in the back by somebody’s devil spawn child, nursing the last day hangover from hell and trying not to throw up into the lap of the guy next to me, and I decided on two things…

  1. Re-evaluate life direction
  2. Do it quickly.

So as you plan your last minute Summer vacations, I implore you to read through the Top 7 video game holiday destinations, as chosen by me, a weary traveller.

7. Los Santos (GTA V) – The City Break

Activities Include: Jogging, Cafes, Nightclubs, Golf, Sky-Diving, Bank Heists, Whoring and Grand Theft Auto

This is the perfect location for a quick city break for the busy executive with a coke problem. Soak up the UV rays on the golden sandy beaches by Del Perro Pier, enjoy stunning views hiking up Mount Chiliad, stalk the rich and famous around Vinewood Hills or simply soak up the culture in and around downtown Los Santos for a guaranteed break from the responsibilities of modern life.

Pros: Get away with Murder. Tip: Hide under bridge for 3-5 minutes.

Cons: Can’t leave wife alone for any period of time. She will likely be mistaken for a prostitute and battered to death. Seriously. Stop laughing, I’m serious.

6. Rapture – Sleeping with the Fishes

Things to do: Whatever you’re bloody well told, would you kindly?

Would you kindly take a trip to Rapture? This beautiful sub-aquatic paradise was all the rage in the 50’s, but due to unforeseen events, it’s in something of a dilapidated state. However there’s still beauty to be found, should you be able to see past the crack addled splicers, the Big Daddies hunkering around with a somewhat creepy fixation on small girls, and a general feeling of intense claustrophobia. Am I overselling it? If this all gets a bit much for you, pop to the theatre and watch one of Sander Cohen’s latest masterpieces. They’re really something.

Pros: No need for you to write an itinerary.

Cons: Not great phone reception.

5.  Kyrat (Far Cry 4) – The Safari Holiday

Activities Include: Walking, Wildlife Photography, Dinner with Well Dressed Gentlemen of Power, Political subversion, Honey Badger Fights, Emergency First Aid Experience

This Himalayan paradise is leaps and bounds ahead of the competition with beautiful snowy capped mountains and lush green wilderness bustling with countless species of rare and wondrous creatures. Take a jeep ride through the bush as you attempt to capture a sighting of the illusive Ghost Bear or just sit back and enjoy Kyrat’s festive event of the season – Fashion Week! However you choose to spend your time in Kyrat, please remember that Honey Badgers are not suitable as pets.

Pros: Opportunity to bring down dictatorship and end civil unrest for local population. Popularity assured.

Cons: May be forced to compete in spectator gladiator matches with snow leopards. Bring tinned meat.

And a good time was had by all

4. Armadillo (Red Dead Redemption) – The Westworld Retreat

Activities Include: Blackjack, Arm Wrestling, Drinking,  Cattle Herding, Saying M’am a lot, Bounty Hunting, Dragging men behind you on a horse without anybody giving a damn.

Take some time away from the hustle and bustle of office life and sign yourself up for the Westworld retreat of booming Armadillo, one of the busiest settlements in the West! Take on the authentic role of a real yeehaw-in cowboy as you gamble, drink and fornicate your way into an early grave. So many whores. Learn how to throw a tomahawk, rob a train or if you just like to keep things simple, shoot lots of people in quick succession from the hip and look a total badass. Pew pew pew!

Pros: Everybody looks cool in a cowboy hat

Cons: Almost guaranteed to contract VD.

3. The Milky Way (Elite Dangerous) – The Space Pirate Cruise

Activities Include: Drifting through space, Mining for precious minerals, Dog fights, pooping yourself as you desperately try to dock for the first time,  Seeking out new life and new civilisation, Boldly going where no-one has gone before.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this, SAID NO-ONE EVER ABOUT SPACE TRAVEL! Come on, boys and girls and climb aboard one of Elite Dangerous Tourist industries’ entirely space worthy piles of shi- I mean vessels – for a once in a lifetime (seriously) experience revolving around you desperately trying to survive in the cold and lonely desolation of space. For a limited time only all life insurance rates are at a premium low, which is great for you, as you’ll very likely be needing that. Fancy yourself a bit of a diplomat? Smuggler? Geographical surveyor? Well that’s fantastic buddy, but you’re on your own there. Here’s your mobile tin can and a spud gun. Go get ’em, Captain Cabbage.

Pros: Pretty much guaranteed some alone time.

Cons: Very real possibility that you will be at some point chased down, shot and blown up in the void, cold and alone as you reflect on all the mistakes you made that led to this point.

2. Hyrule (Legend of Zelda: OOT) – The Hero’s Holiday

Things to do: Wearing Fashionable Green Garb, Befriending giant owls, Chicken chasing (Tip – Don’t hit them), Grave-digging,  Drinking milk, Sleeping with Saving Princesses, Hating Water Temples.

The perfect challenge for any plucky young adventurer, the rolling hills of Hyrule will see you swept away from your family obligations and mandatory education as your wits are put to the test in a series of themed fun houses of death. Master the sword and shield, bow and arrow, bombs and many more totally unsuitable gadgets for a Fatherless fairy boy as you attempt to do what you’re told and resist the urge to go fishing for 6 hours and hit chickens until they get pissed and peck your eyes out. Suitable for 9-16 years old. No non-swimmers.

Pros: Can see up the Great Fairy’s skirt

Cons: It’s not a great sight.

Should have got the hire car…

1. Whiterun (Skyrim) – The Hard Man’s Holiday

Things to do: Drink Ale, slay dragons, head up your own underground criminal organisation, play with mud crabs, steal mammoth cheese, take an arrow to the knee.

Move aside, small insignificant nerds. That’s right. I’m talking to you, strange sofa dwellers. Only those of the hardest disposition have the might to adventure in the unforgiving wilderness of Skyrim. Take up lodgings in the friendly, but resilient neighbourhood of Whiterun. Purchase good quality armour and weapons from the local merchants. Or steal it, what do I care? Spend time rubbing elbows with a fanatic werewolf warrior clan for some reason and prove your mettle by doing whatever they say, whenever they say it. You pussy. You absolute pussy.

Pros: Local Bard will sing tales of your many heroic victories.

Cons: They can’t sing for dick. Also, something of a local lizard problem. Please see “Helgen.”

 

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  • Brian O’Blivion

    How about Silent Hill… for that quaint small town charm.

    • Benjamin Hayhoe

      You know Brian… That was actually on the shortlist. Fair call!

    • Benjo Kazooie

      You know Brian… That was actually on the shortlist. Fair call!